drawn back

it's interesting how you keep drawing me back to your will in my life. especially at times when i feel i've strayed away from it, or when i keep questioning myself of how am i to "reach" that place. i'm dumbfounded by your faithfulness, and how Jesus, you keep pursuing me even when i've stopped.

i'll take your hand again, bring me somewhere special where it's just YOU and ME
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"There are many plans in a man’s heart, nevertheless the LORD’s counsel — that will stand." Prov 19:21

and i say:
All that I am, all that I have
I lay them down before you, oh Lord
All my regrets, all my acclaims
The joy and the pain, I'm making them yours

Lord, I offer my life to you
Everything I've been through
Use it for your glory
Lord I offer my days to you
Lifting my praise to you
As a pleasing sacrifice
Lord I offer you my life

"The counsel of the LORD stands forever, the plans of His heart to all generations." Psalm 33:11

amen.

fireworks=love

Perth Royal Show was awesome. it's a carnival kinda thing, like those you see in the movies. rides, candy floss, popcorn and those stores that rob you of your money (cuz i didnt win a single soft toy today. haha) anyways, the company was great, and we almost bought funky wigs that were red, blue, pink etc. but we didnt. The fireworks was THE BEST. it's so much prettier and longer than that in singapore. boo to singapore's national day parade fireworks, you should feel embarrassed. i loved it when the fireworks seemed to shower upon us, and how i could enjoy it on the green grass with nice cold weather. i wished car was there right beside me.

anyways, somehow for a moment, i suddenly felt so close to God. it was as though he was showering His love upon me, as though he was quietly embracing me, no words required, just that gentle warm touch. awwwwww. that was lovely.

i'm looking forward to church tmr. influencers city church is turning 2! svc is gonna be great, there's gonna be a BBQ after church with the big bouncy air castle for the kids to play with. AND AND! i'm on duty tmr! to take care of the lil ones, YAY! (for those of u who dont know. i'm serving in kid's ministry! taking care of 18mth-3yr olds.) i can't wait. it's gonna be a good day! goodnight world.

it's all worth it =)

it's all worth it. at the end of the day, even when trials and obstacles come our way, it's all worth it. Jesus is worth it, His family (my family) is worth it. now i have joy again. i didn't know so much of it was stolen from me the whole of today.

"Therefore, as God's chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity." Colossians 3:12-14

friend X

whoever would have thought the day would come that i would be faced with the struggle of making a friendship work. all along, making friends, sustaining friendships, it's been a breeze for me. until now.

maybe all along, when i saw that some of the friendships i had could not work out, whether short term or long term, i walked out of them. slowly but surely. i probably always took the easy way out. if i didn't think i could click with the person, i turned away, having the idea that "hey, i am just walking away from the potential troubles or conflicts that may occur. this is the probably the best way to live in harmony." but is it?

i know somehow in my heart, that this one friendship i have is god-given. but i am struggling so much with it. i know that this friend is supposed to be a blessing and not a burden. but so many days i wonder, is it really worth it? it's not the most pleasant thing to be snapped at over the smallest things, or even being the emotional punching bag when friendX has had a bad day. i've never had anybody dislike me that much before. i dont really think friendX hates me, it just feels that way on those stormy days. and it sucks.

maybe i've been insensitive to friendX's needs. or insensitive in the things that i said. and as it builds up in friendX's life, coldness and distance sets in. but if that's the case? why not just tell me straight? do i really need to receive such treatment.

today ps brad preached on unity, and how the enemy loves to create disunity in the family of God, in relationships that god has predestined and anointed etc. so what now? should i say sorry? but i don't even know why.

obviously, my human thinking is not to do it. how should i respond? should i act carnally or spiritually?

"Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love. Make every effort to keep the unity of the Spirit through the bond of peace." Eph4:2-3

WHY. i don't get it. it's never been so hard. what's wrong? why does this friendship have to be like that. Why do i always have to make the first move? why do i have to feel this way. ARGHHHHHHHHHH! God.............. please help. i'm so frustrated i don't know what to do already... making every effort to keep that unity is really taking a lot of effort out of me. literally!

stay in line

there have been so much that has been happening in my life in the past 2 weeks that i do not know where to start.

i have gone from rock bottom..
to sky high..
to rock bottom..
to sky high.

one thing in my mind now is: how do i stand firm and stay in line with God's will? today i read "if you stand for nothing, you fall for anything" and i think that is soooooooo true! it's getting so real for me these days. that i really need to know what i believe, what my convictions are and what are my values or i'll be totally swayed in this world.

truth to be told, i've fallen. i'm lost as to what to do. but i know one thing i can do, and that is to return to my Father in heaven. but that's like the hardest part! it is the most painful and the most draining part as it sucks out every ounce of emotion from you.

other train of thoughts or struggles: why do i have to show people who i am or prove to them that i am capable of something? why do i feel the need to? why do people think that they know more than you? in ministry and church sense, do you offer to serve or do you wait for them to ask? or maybe should i put it this way, do we wait for God to provide a way in due time? what does being humble mean? why do i sometimes feel that ppl do not care as much as they seem to care? AND REALLY.. why do i feel the way i feel?

it's during these times that i miss home so so much! i miss car, i miss the bedok l cell, i miss THE Lcell, i miss my mummy. because i know all you guys out there love me for who i am, even in my most rotten form i believe you'd all still be there for me. i know i do not have to try to please you all, i know that i will not be judged, i know that i can find the support and love i need from y'all.

i'm just tired from all these. i feel so weak at times, i just need YOU (points up)


Disclaimer:
with such an entry, i must clarify to say that there were happy things that happened too. eg serving in children's ministry aka taking care of 18mth-3yr old kiddos, sand fight at the beach, paintball, chilling in king's park, wii, boardgames, rugby, playing and taking care of many many kids after church together with liangsheng ystd as the adults talked and surprising liangsheng by washing his car today becasue he's been such a great friend =) etc.

the Lost and the Faith

today i had the great and wonderful opportunity to watch Prince of Egypt with 2 non believing friends... and one of them has hardly any idea about Christianity cuz she's malaysian. which brings me to wonder... what are we doing as christians since there are so many who are unreached!

my singaporean non believing friend said that she likes the idea that she is responsible for her own life, like if she does wrong, she's the one to blame. she said she did not not believe that there is a God out there, but yeah. she just doesn't want to be bounded to anything. she likes the freedom. and i said freedom is lost if you are bounded to religion and rituals. but with christianity i reckon it is different. instead of losing freedom i gained freedom. (but as i was saying this she was kinda lost in her own train of thoughts as she had some other things to say) ohwells. even with that being said, i do not sense that the door has been shut on me. i think i still got chance!

my malaysian friend on the other hand, is super open. she's been going to church and ocf with me. even church cell group. amazing. and since i am helping out in discovery group in ocf where basically ppl find out more bout christianity. she's kinda like in my care. and i just pray that i will know what to say, when to say and how to say. so that i may only spur her on towards knowing Jesus as her personal Lord and Saviour.

i've also yet another friend, whom i thought was christian cuz he said he was catholic then he "converted" and started going to new creation. but last week as i drove him home (and his house was quite far away), we had a very interesting talk. he told me this "actually yihui, i don't really believe that God exists" and he went on to explain bout how there is so much suffering in the world and that wad about those ppl who are born into muslim families, do they not have a chance to hear about who Jesus is, etc. i listened and kinda tried my best to explain, but he said that those were excuses that Christians give. then i realised. omg yihui, you better stock up on your apologetics, or at least read The Faith given to you by the church. but he was really honest and open with me and when i asked if i could do some research and email it to him, he was very grateful.

it seems that there have been many doors open to me. i even managed to secure a coffee appointment with this canadian chinese girl who's here for exchange but isn't christian. then all these made me realise that i really needed to be grounded in the word of God and i had to know who God is for who He is.

i ask myself, "what is my story?" simply because if i knew who God was and is to me, and how He really did change my life then, i'd be able to be better in effectively sharing the gospel by opening an innocent conversation to something so real and deep. So what's my story? What made me draw close to God? What made me believe that God is real? How do i know for certain? Who is this God that i have given my life to? and Why would it benefit others?

no amount of time nor words can convince people to know Jesus. they do not need to be convinced. they need to be convicted. and conviction of one's heart can only come from God above. no human effort can manufacture a God encounter. and now i know, that it is not I. if i want to reach these ppl, i need Jesus. because without him, i can do nothing. i am a mere instrument he can use if he wills.


Purify my heart,
let me be as gold and precious silver.
Purify my heart,
let me be as gold, pure gold.

Refiner's fire,
my heart's one desire
is to be holy;
set apart for You, Lord.
I choose to be holy;
set apart for You, my Master,
ready to do Your will.

Purify my heart,
cleanse me from within
and make me holy.
Purify my heart,
cleanse me from my sin, deep within.


simply because I NEED YOU