friend X

whoever would have thought the day would come that i would be faced with the struggle of making a friendship work. all along, making friends, sustaining friendships, it's been a breeze for me. until now.

maybe all along, when i saw that some of the friendships i had could not work out, whether short term or long term, i walked out of them. slowly but surely. i probably always took the easy way out. if i didn't think i could click with the person, i turned away, having the idea that "hey, i am just walking away from the potential troubles or conflicts that may occur. this is the probably the best way to live in harmony." but is it?

i know somehow in my heart, that this one friendship i have is god-given. but i am struggling so much with it. i know that this friend is supposed to be a blessing and not a burden. but so many days i wonder, is it really worth it? it's not the most pleasant thing to be snapped at over the smallest things, or even being the emotional punching bag when friendX has had a bad day. i've never had anybody dislike me that much before. i dont really think friendX hates me, it just feels that way on those stormy days. and it sucks.

maybe i've been insensitive to friendX's needs. or insensitive in the things that i said. and as it builds up in friendX's life, coldness and distance sets in. but if that's the case? why not just tell me straight? do i really need to receive such treatment.

today ps brad preached on unity, and how the enemy loves to create disunity in the family of God, in relationships that god has predestined and anointed etc. so what now? should i say sorry? but i don't even know why.

obviously, my human thinking is not to do it. how should i respond? should i act carnally or spiritually?

"Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love. Make every effort to keep the unity of the Spirit through the bond of peace." Eph4:2-3

WHY. i don't get it. it's never been so hard. what's wrong? why does this friendship have to be like that. Why do i always have to make the first move? why do i have to feel this way. ARGHHHHHHHHHH! God.............. please help. i'm so frustrated i don't know what to do already... making every effort to keep that unity is really taking a lot of effort out of me. literally!